Warning: People are STUPID

Disclaimers abound nowadays, because people will sue for just about anything. therefore, companies are forced to put embarrassingly obvious warning labels on their products, attach a high-speed legal shpiel on the end of commercials, and people have to learn to constantly watch their backs.

My first point: warning labels. Why is it that people are stupid enough to make a company put "Warning: contains nuts" on a package of peanuts? PEANUTS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! What about "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands" on a chainsaw? Really? I would have never thought that stopping a multi-bladed, high-rpm power tool would ever be dangerous. Just to be safe, they should add on "Do not attempt to stop with feet either." You never know people, you never know. Really though, if you're stupid enough to try and stop a chainsaw with your hands, maybe you should save the rest of the lucid world the trouble of dealing with you, and stop it with your neck.

What about radio/TV commercials? They have to record someone saying their company is in no way, shape, or form liable for any stupidity on your part, the warranty only lasts for half as long as they make it sound, the real cost is twice as much, and this "special offer" is over tomorrow. They've even made commercials about making disclaimers. How pathetic is that?

How many times have you seen "This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author's imagination or have been used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental."? Why is it that fiction writers have to protect themselves? Because people with a stick up their ass feel miffed when a character resembling them gets offed, is a lazy slob, or turns out to be a lying, cheating whore. That and relatives may feel as though the writer is poking fun at/mocking victims of a real-life accident when a similar scenario appears in text. Come on now, people, do you really think that a fiction writer has been stalking you just so they can develop a character that has traits like yours? Or that they're heartless enough to make fun of an accident?

Since we're already talking about them, I'm going to stick in a disclaimer of my own. As my friend says "My warm and fuzzy font isn't working." I'm most often going to take the bitchiest, most sarcastic road there i. I'm not going to soften my words for those who are too soft-bellied to deal with it. My papers are biased and I know my opinions may clash with your. Deal. Names may or may not be changed, If they are, I'll let you know.

I pick on everything and everyone, from food (see "HUNGRY!"), to teachers (see "Ham and Onions" and "Poison Penmanship"), schools (see "Dances"), males and females (see "Have at it!" and "Under the Rose"), and people with different physionomies (see "Beauty and the Beast"). You have the right to be offended and then say so, and as Voltaire said "I disagree of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it."

Disclaimers have, sadly, become a fact of life. Actually, depending on your POV, disclaimers (i.e. stupid warning labels) have come to be a source of entertainment. But, realistically, they are nuances that only there to keep corporations from losing a precious part of their paycheck during lawsuits, keep stupid people around to pass on their genes (note to reader: Check out the Darwin's Awards book. Great read!) and give lawyers a break from having to charge large sums to try and defend a case that, the jury, hopefully being endowed with a good helping of common sense, falls asleep in the middle of, i mean, overrules.

People these days need to face the fact that, yes, coffee is HOT when poured from the carafe, and remains that way for a good while afterwards. That, yes, milk contains dairy products. Yes, alcohol of any sort will cause you to become inebriated, and therefore you will not feel like yourself (unless, of course, you're a drunkard), and you will become a danger to yourself and society in general (see "Yo ho and a bottle rum"). Wake and smell the roses, people! (Careful, you might poke an eye out with a thorn or snort a bee up your nose.) Life is full of dangers, from menial to horrific proportions, and that yes, you will need some good, old-fashioned common sense to make it through the former (and sometimes the latter) at lest partially unscathed.

You're not supposed to be enclosed in a bubble of safety. Things are going to happen that hurt, physically and emotionally, but we can't just demand for money as compensation. Take things as they come, learn to roll with the punches (and the drop-kicks, and the strangle-holds) of life. So, go on, get yourself a nice, hot cup of coffee and settle down with a political satire book. And for fun, see if it has a disclaimer.