Drivers! Start! Your! Engines!

I have three words that would make any self respecting 7th+ grader quiver: Back to school. First off, you're being sent back into the hell of the academic system again, for another 180 days of you life. Did you know that you spend the equivalent of 6 years of your life in grades 1-12?Plus all the time and money spent towards college. Second, you've got to get used to all new teachers, classrooms and schedules. And then there's the school bus. I've had my share of bus drivers. I've had angry drivers, one who was always late, and then a substitute I swear had lead feet. Then there's my sister's bus driver.

My current bus driver is funny as hell, friendly, and the radio station he listens to has a great morning show (not that it can beat Preston and Steve on MMR). Only one problem. Roy is always late. My bus is supposed to pick me up at 7:00 in the morning. Often times I'm waiting until 7:10. A) Its morning, which I don't cope with well, B) He's late. I have people to see and things to do in the morning. C) Just wait 'til it starts raining or snowing, or the damn wind is blowing with avengeance. If you're a bus driver, please have the decency to pick your kids up on time.

The substitute bus driver, whom we'll call "Rhonda" for lack of a better name, from last year was...scary. School buses do NOT equate to stock cars or street racers. They're not made for that kind of stress. And residential streets aren't for quick speed ups and then slamming on the breaks 5 feet before a stop sign, turn or speed bump. Apparently, none of this information phased Rhonda. Man, she would go barreling down the street the WHAM! hit the breaks and almost caught air off the speed bump. Whiplash, much?

My sister "Marie" is in elementary school, so one would expect the bus drivers to be a little more safety rigourous. However, Marie's driver "Laura" is just fucking obnoxious. Every single stop, Laura uses the intercom to say "Wait. Look both ways! Alright." and then, when the kid is crossing the street: "No running!". Look woman. I've been waiting here for 10 minutes, if not more because you always manage to run late because you spend 5 minutes every stop directing the kids over the intercom, sometimes in the wind/rain/snow, and you're wasting even more of my time? There aren't any cars in the intersection, nor are any coming. Let the damn kid cross! I want to go home! It's lovely that you're teaching the kids to be safe, but do you really need to use the intercom every single day? Teach them on the bus, and keep your trap shut once the kid steps off the bus.

Don't drive away Laura, I'm not done with you. I was out walking the dogs, heading away from my house. I legitimately have somewhere to go, someone to meet, and what do I see coming down the street? That's right. Marie's bus. I was crossing the street, headed even farther from home, by the time Laura pulls up to the stop sign. What does she do? She lets Marie off the bus. Why the hell would you do that? I know that Laura knows what direction we live in, because she sees walking home everyday, seeing as she drives past in the same direction. I was headed the OPPOSITE direction of home, yet this woman lets a young child off four blocks before her usual stop. According to Marie, Laura said something along the lines of "Well, she's here, so you may as well get off here." FUCK NO! I'm standing on the corner, confused and outraged, not moving. By pulling that stunt, Laura wasted 20 minutes of my time, walking Marie home and continuing with my walk. [Next time she tries to drop Marie off in the middle of my walk, I'm making Marie get back on the bus.]

Bus drivers are great and all, and they have a lot of responsibilities. But, for the love of all the ways I could potentially make your life a living hell, save the safety talks for on the bus, be on time, and most importantly, DON'T BE STUPID!

A message to be spread

Take this to heart.
There are people who love you that couldn’t imagine you being gone. No matter how desolate or alone you feel – remember that there is always someone. Talk to someone. Leave the house and go for a walk. Walk (or drive) to close friend’s house. Confide. Cry. Listen to music. Paint/draw/sketch a picture. You’ll get through it, and those who love you will be glad you did.

I myself have had times where I felt like I was on a pale horse to hell, and that I would never come back. I did come back, and I did it with the support of my friends and their unconditional love.

And remember to return the favor. If someone comes to you in a state of desperation and depression, listen. Listen to them. Offer words of comfort to them. Say “I Love You” “You’ll/We’ll get through this” “I’m/we’re always here for you” “How can I help?” “Call me when you need to talk” “I’m not giving you up with out a fight” “Don’t give up” “Don’t give in”. Offer a hug, a hold. Support is powerful in getting the message through. Hold them however tightly your relationship deems appropriate (friends vs. significant other). If appropriate, a kiss on the forehead or hair will do wonders. It creates a feeling of being protected, which is exactly what we need when in dark time.Always remember that there is someone who loves you.

Survive to live another day.

Beauty and The Beast

What truly is beauty? Do we define it from the dictionary? Or has beauty become something twisted and false? Is beauty a creation of Hollywood, unrealistic preconceptions and stereotypes [see Stereotypes and Styling]? What is natural beauty?

By dictionary definition, beauty is "1: the quality or aggregate [the total collection] of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurablility exalts the mind or spirit. 2: a beautiful person or thing; esp. a beautiful woman." Definition one is good, but then you get to number two. Do I sense a bias and opinion, in the dictionary of all places?

Hollywood is full of glamour and glitz and the broadcasting industry has its well-known stars and models. Women have small waists, are nicely endowed up top, and long shapely legs. And if not, they can always get augmentative surgery or use computer generated images that favorable body features. While I know there is an industry for plus size models (kudos to Dove for their Campaign for Real Beauty and the Self Esteem Fund), it's never at the forefront, and we're constantly bombarded by pictures of skinny yet voluptuous women. How is it that this became the standard [see The Totem Pole]? Women have body shapes of all sorts: hourglass, top-heavy, bottom-heavy, long- and short-torsoed, long legs, short legs, thick and thin.. By keeping expectations at a rarely attainable level, we others suffer from a lack of self-esteem, disdainful looks, or are ignored by the male population that hold these lies to be self-evident.

Even men have stereotypes. I have to admit that, yes, I will go weak-kneed at the sight of abs, a strong back and a set of good arms, but realistically, all I want is someone who is proud of who they are. Not a body builder.

Once you get past aesthetics, you really do have to look at whats on the inside.Would you be friends with someone who has no sense of humour? Or if they do, an excessively vulgar sense of humour? What about respect, respect for you, themselves, and others? I once dated a guy who turned out to be a pushy, idiotic ass. Which brings up the point of smarts. Some people are so insipid and/or air-headed that I want to take them by the collar and shake them until they have whiplash. Others are too smart, and then become condescending. But when a gal or guy has smarts and knows how to use them, its beautiful. Having brains is a delicate balance between common sense and academia.

When someone says "natural beauty", what do you think? A girl with no/minimal makeup on? Or the stars gleaming in the night sky, the moon shining with silver light?

With people, natural beauty is what is there with minimal enhancement. Eyes that shine with humour and enthusiasm. The way someone carries themselves can allude to their self-confidence, or lack thereof, and approachability. Are you going to be more willing to talk to someone with a closed, cold face, arms folded and leaning against a wall, or someone who stands straight and smiles, even if they don't know you?

What I'm getting at is that beauty isn't just aesthetics. It's a matter of everything about a person coming together in relative harmony, with a favourable personality and even some quirks. You can't be a copy of a model and expect that people think you are beautiful. I know plenty of people who could try out for modeling, yet they are not beautiful. On the other hand, I know people who may have some weight to lose, or perhaps not the most pleasing of features, or not-so-great physiognomy by "standard" definition, that I think are beautiful because of who they are as a whole.

Going back to the second half of my natural beauty question: Natural beauty as nature makes it. The stars in a cloudless night sky, the sunset or rise as seen from an uncorrupted shoreline, chicks hatching from their eggs, peeping and stumbling into life, and watching the wind create ripples in meadow grasses in the hummocks between hills. These are astonishingly beautiful moments the we encounter. But how many of us take the time to actually look? The raw, real beauty of the landscape is awe-inspiring, and unfortunately quickly becoming a diminishing luxury. Once we lose this beauty, it will be gone. And then all we'll have to look at are models that represent approximately 5-10% of the population.

What can be taken away from this? That beauty is not just skin deep, it permeates everything and everyone. Step back and allow your paradigms to change. If you take the time to see the world from a different perspective, you may be in for a pleasant surprise.

Warning: People are STUPID

Disclaimers abound nowadays, because people will sue for just about anything. therefore, companies are forced to put embarrassingly obvious warning labels on their products, attach a high-speed legal shpiel on the end of commercials, and people have to learn to constantly watch their backs.

My first point: warning labels. Why is it that people are stupid enough to make a company put "Warning: contains nuts" on a package of peanuts? PEANUTS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! What about "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands" on a chainsaw? Really? I would have never thought that stopping a multi-bladed, high-rpm power tool would ever be dangerous. Just to be safe, they should add on "Do not attempt to stop with feet either." You never know people, you never know. Really though, if you're stupid enough to try and stop a chainsaw with your hands, maybe you should save the rest of the lucid world the trouble of dealing with you, and stop it with your neck.

What about radio/TV commercials? They have to record someone saying their company is in no way, shape, or form liable for any stupidity on your part, the warranty only lasts for half as long as they make it sound, the real cost is twice as much, and this "special offer" is over tomorrow. They've even made commercials about making disclaimers. How pathetic is that?

How many times have you seen "This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author's imagination or have been used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental."? Why is it that fiction writers have to protect themselves? Because people with a stick up their ass feel miffed when a character resembling them gets offed, is a lazy slob, or turns out to be a lying, cheating whore. That and relatives may feel as though the writer is poking fun at/mocking victims of a real-life accident when a similar scenario appears in text. Come on now, people, do you really think that a fiction writer has been stalking you just so they can develop a character that has traits like yours? Or that they're heartless enough to make fun of an accident?

Since we're already talking about them, I'm going to stick in a disclaimer of my own. As my friend says "My warm and fuzzy font isn't working." I'm most often going to take the bitchiest, most sarcastic road there i. I'm not going to soften my words for those who are too soft-bellied to deal with it. My papers are biased and I know my opinions may clash with your. Deal. Names may or may not be changed, If they are, I'll let you know.

I pick on everything and everyone, from food (see "HUNGRY!"), to teachers (see "Ham and Onions" and "Poison Penmanship"), schools (see "Dances"), males and females (see "Have at it!" and "Under the Rose"), and people with different physionomies (see "Beauty and the Beast"). You have the right to be offended and then say so, and as Voltaire said "I disagree of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it."

Disclaimers have, sadly, become a fact of life. Actually, depending on your POV, disclaimers (i.e. stupid warning labels) have come to be a source of entertainment. But, realistically, they are nuances that only there to keep corporations from losing a precious part of their paycheck during lawsuits, keep stupid people around to pass on their genes (note to reader: Check out the Darwin's Awards book. Great read!) and give lawyers a break from having to charge large sums to try and defend a case that, the jury, hopefully being endowed with a good helping of common sense, falls asleep in the middle of, i mean, overrules.

People these days need to face the fact that, yes, coffee is HOT when poured from the carafe, and remains that way for a good while afterwards. That, yes, milk contains dairy products. Yes, alcohol of any sort will cause you to become inebriated, and therefore you will not feel like yourself (unless, of course, you're a drunkard), and you will become a danger to yourself and society in general (see "Yo ho and a bottle rum"). Wake and smell the roses, people! (Careful, you might poke an eye out with a thorn or snort a bee up your nose.) Life is full of dangers, from menial to horrific proportions, and that yes, you will need some good, old-fashioned common sense to make it through the former (and sometimes the latter) at lest partially unscathed.

You're not supposed to be enclosed in a bubble of safety. Things are going to happen that hurt, physically and emotionally, but we can't just demand for money as compensation. Take things as they come, learn to roll with the punches (and the drop-kicks, and the strangle-holds) of life. So, go on, get yourself a nice, hot cup of coffee and settle down with a political satire book. And for fun, see if it has a disclaimer.

An introduction

Really, I would love to start this off with an amazing greeting of some sort that would permanently hook you into reading my essays. But, alas, I lack any idea on how to introduce myself to you, my (hopefully) soon-to-be loyal reader. So, on with the drudgeries of getting to know who the hell is writing all this.

You can call me Tam, and I’m from lil’ ol’ Delaware, USA. I live with my mom, step-dad, half-sister and two dogs. I’m not really on great standing with my parents, and desire to move out ASAfriggin’P. My favourite colour is black, and my taste in music ranges from hard rock to heavy metal. I I'm in the mood and have access to it, I sometimes listen to calypso, reggae and salsa y merengue. Random, no? I love to cook and bake, and that's my intended college field (Culinary/Pastry Arts). My friends describe me as creepy, morbid, pessimistic, strange, freaky, and the like. There's not much else to tell. Name, music, family, colour, friends. Anything I really missed?

If you ever have questions or comments, feel free to leave them on the comments section pertaining to that essay. However, if you feel anything could turn into an extended discussion, just between me and you, instead of cluttering up the comments section, email me at the.hatter@live.com.
Thanks for checking out my post!

Ma-Ha!

Coming soon!